Oboi, what have i got myself into? This thing no easy oh but we will try. I have carried the attitude I always have towards all the journals I keep to my blog. I will fill it in one day and before I do again ehn, time would have passed and I would already have gotten the dates mixed up...lol. Thankfully though, dates wont matter much on this blog.
Ok, back to business. I remember the days of YWAP (Youths With A Purpose, a christian group) in my life. The days when I'd do just anything because of my love for God. I remember how excited I used to be in my heart on Fridays (our fellowship days). How I couldn't wait to fellowship with my friends, hear TY (our coordinator) talk to us about God and the walk to heaven. The joy and contentment I used to feel when people took the bold step of giving their lives to Jesus, in that little room of ours where we used to worship.
Its nostalgia I feel now, cos things are very very different now. All of a sudden from the fierceness of my passion for God and his things, I found myself in positions and places I had never been in before. Parties, boyfriend, wonderful friends, waka waka, etc. Before I knew it the things that used to be important to me became less and less important. I decided that I had been missing so much in life and began to enjoy myself thoroughly. Men, that was it oh, as I dont pretend I couldnt be here and there. TY used to tell us that we cannot be hot and cold at the same time. God will spit us out straight. Its in the Bible somewhere in Revelations. So I followed the crowd and I'm not proud of this at all.
I started withdrawing small small, missing YWAP meetings regularly. First I used to feel bad whenever I did, but gradually I didn't care anymore. I began to feel uncomfortable whenever I met the members of my fellowship. We just were no more on the same page. Be aware of the fact that I was the one who was uncomfortable. Why was I uncomfortable? Is it not a free country any more? Can't i do whatever I want again? You know darkness always hides when light appears. Light is always the bold and darkness has no place where light exists. Anyway sha, that's how I was always hiding away when they were close by. You can decide who was light and who was darkness.
It got so bad that I couldn't even pray anymore. I must tell you, that in the midst of all these, my heart never really was peaceful. I know how many times a particular friend (one with whom I backslid at the same period...lol) and I used to sit and talk about our present lifestyles and its implications. Yet we were having too much fun, no one could stop us -empty life. Thank God that I'm still alive. Thank God that I have not yet died and I have more opportunities still. I don't know what I'm still waiting for, God has been so patient and faithful.
God did not abandon me in spite of my foolishness. I never once forgot that he was looking all the while, painstakingly watching a soul that was rejoiced over in heaven on the day I got born again waste and slip away. Yet I did not stop. He watched me gradually give victory to the devil. Not once did he take his eyes off me. All those nights when we would party and end up in cars of some drunk dudes to take us to our houses or school and come to near accidents. What if that was it? What if that was my end? What would I say to him? How would I argue judgement to roast in hell for ever. How would I explain my throwing my chance of eternity away? hmm.... (sigh).
So, today I am only too aware that I am not ready. It is no secret anymore that the time is near. As a matter of fact, my time might be closer than yours and vice versa. Look around, the people dying these days mostly no one expect at all. But they died anyway, without explanation. No need to ask any questions. All these things I have talked about, I haven't stopped. My spirit is more than willing for me to go back to my first love. But my flesh is still very weak. As far as I don't make a decision to give up all my worldly cravings I cannot fully be with him. God cannot be mocked. He is looking for true worshippers. People who will worship and revere him in spirit and in truth.
So why am I telling you guys all these? Honestly, I don't know oh. I just want to talk. But still, draw what you can from it. Let's encourage one another. You are not alone in your struggles. The enjoyment of this world is only but short-lived. Let's not get carried away by it. Why enjoy for 40, 50, 60 years only to be doomed forever? Love you all.
Take the time to follow this link. I have sent it around before. I am doing it again. It might encourage you.
http://www.divinerevelations.info/Documents/Prepare_to_meet_your_God/index.htm
4 comments:
Interesting read... I speaks 2 me on more counts than one. The worst part (dunno if u experience this also)...even worse than not prayin, reading d Bible or missin church is d ability 2 produce witty answers 4 those that r genuinely concerned (obviously frm the amount of word stored wen i was consistent). This will change...I still tell myself. God help me!
Waoh! Ngupy, You really are Woman of God. You might just think you wrote this casually, but I am sure it will touch a lot of people worldwide who read this. Continue to crave for Gods Grace, he will surely take you in his arms. More grace upon you IJN.
@ Jeff, God will help us jare. You sound so like me. There must be so many of us like these around oh. He's waiting. Let's not keep him waiting for much longer!
@ TY, thank u sooooo much! It means a lot to me that you dropped by, and that you still believe in me. I told someone that I believe you still pray for us, the stray sheep. God bless you.
Hi!
I am coming by from your comment on my devotion. Please know that I am praying for you today. Praying that a fresh revelation of God's love, His mercy, His grace, and His forgiveness will wash over you. He knows your flesh is weak. We ALL struggle with that. We can do nothing apart from Him...not even choose to live fully for Him.
Praying you allow yourself to fully receive His forgiveness and move forward with His love and strength upholding you.
He loves you so very much.
Blessings,
K
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